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Hello Sugar,
I need advice. I have been married for 3years, but we just had twins a few months ago. And now more than ever, I don’t think he loves me.
We have a 9-5job, and although we never used to need a maid or have challenges with house chores (because it was just the two of us), now it’s more tedious.
Since we had our twins, 6 months ago, we have been having issues constantly, and that’s because I think my husband isn’t helping or caring. How can you love me and watch me crash under this weight?
Now, I finally have decided that maybe we need to get a maid, and he is still insisting that we agreed on no maid.
Yes, we did, but now, I can’t cope. I am becoming super irritated with his stance, and perhaps super disappointed.
Please, how do you advise I go about making him see that a maid is a necessity and not a status thing like he says.
Thank you.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Trust you are good and thank you for writing to us. Here is what we think can help.
First, don’t overthink things. Although it is easy to equate love to the amount of care we receive when we are stressed, you also need to think about him also being perhaps mentally stressed about it all and doesn’t know how to react.
Secondly, being domestic has nothing to do with being a female or male. Even though females can be more domestic, it still isn’t about gender. You have to agree that your man not helping most likely isn’t just because of his sex, it is most likely because he doesn’t like to do the chores.
Here are some options:
- If you have a problem communicating verbally on how the work is affecting you, please write them down and give to him or just mail him. (This note or email should be devoid of complains or attacks, it is just simply telling him what you do, how it affects you and how you need help).
- If you have done the above, and he is still not coming up with solutions, come up with one.
- The first option can be for you two to have shared responsibilities. Let him have the chores that you know he can handle, and you have the ones you can handle.
- The second option would be to mention the maid and the plan on how to manage him/her. You have to acknowledge that you agreed to no-maid because you thought you could handle things, but the twins have changed things.
- If after the two steps above, he still doesn’t want to help; you might need to speak to a counsellor or a friend/family member that he respects that can help you pass the message across to him again in a way he will understand.
One thing though, you are not over-reacting; but don’t work yourself out. It’s just another challenge in mastering the act of marriage and it can be resolved.
Be patient, be loving, and don’t forget the war is against the problem and not your partner.
All the best,
Sugar.