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Dear Sugar,
I met a guy at a friend’s party late last year and we connected instantly. Over time, we went on dates and talked about everything we could think of. He’s everything I have hoped for, but, he doesn’t want us to be in a relationship unless I agree that we’d be having sex.
Even though I am not new to sexual experiences, I have over time realized that it affected my judgements a lot and it made me stay longer in toxic relationships. I explained these to him, but he doesn’t seem to want to be as close anymore because I refuse to go into a relationship with sex in mind. Should I change my mind?
B.D
Dear B.D,
Having to choose between your personal decisions and a prospectively beautiful love life can be mentally draining. However, toxic relationship experiences are more than enough reason to make some decisions that can sometimes be life-altering.
In this case, you have made a personal decision based on your past experiences. It is safe to say that you both have valid points, it doesn't in any way make you or him selfish; sex can sometimes be an important ingredient in relationships.
However, it is important to understand that every decision has its consequences (either good or bad). It would be better off to decide only on your terms as making decisions on someone else's point of view can have adverse effects.
For instance, you may become overly obsessed or detached from the relationship. Understand that in most cases, it may take a while to find someone who can comprehend this notion, but it is not impossible. Take out this time to evaluate your personal life and decisions. If you feel you have convinced him enough, pause on it.
Even though relationships are all about making compromises, you have acknowledged that this isn't a compromise you're willing to make. So, you should stick to your decisions especially because of your toxic past experiences.
Wish you all the best,
Love,
Sugar.