Wedding Crashers

Don’t you just love that movie? I think it’s absolutely brilliant how irrespective of what they were up against, those guys successfully charmed their way into every wedding and had a ball. As a matter of fact, they were usually the life and soul of the party!

Now before you start tut-tutting at me for.... (*clear throat and switch to snooty accent*)... glorifying, idolizing, encouraging the antics of said intruders of nuptials, who had nothing but cruel intentions; please note that I have NEVER liked the idea of crashing parties... but boy have I had fun at all the ones that I have!

My take on crashing and its major appeal is that you’re finally at a social gathering where nobody knows you and vice versa. Not fun! I hear someone say but did you consider that at this party, there’s no pressure to make sure everyone’s okay, no anxiety from family members embarrassing you, no one gossiping about you; wondering why all your 5 younger sisters are married with kids and you can’t seem to keep a man, hence the MC making a special announcement for you to come catch the bouquet, no playing catching up with long lost- but- definitely- not- missed "friends" and.... and... Need I say more? So yes, as a wedding crasher, your sole priority is YOU, YOU and yes you guessed right; YOU. You can finally let you hair down, mingle and have a good time.

One of my favourite weddings was one I attended (or erm... crashed) last December. My connection to the couple is so lame, I’m almost ashamed to tell you; but since we’re sharing... here goes! Ok. So, my friend’s friend went to university with the bride’s second cousin’s housemate’s sister’s baby daddy. SERIOUSLY!!! I know it was even worse being crasher’s guest but I said to myself what the heck? With no weekend plans it sure beats staying at home, going deaf by the minute thanks to my neighbour’s generator. Besides, did I mention it was the society wedding of the year? Aha! Now you’re interested?
So, hell yeah! I wore my jet champagne a.k.a. champagne and black "show stopper" (those were the wedding colours; please hold this thought) and tagged along for the most lavish and entertaining wedding party I have ever been to. Oh the food, decorations, cocktails, cake, groomsmen... all yummy and then some! We danced the night away and had the time of our lives. And that’s where my story ends thankyouverymuch because good crashers never tell all!

Now truth be told, since I am by no standards a seasoned crasher it is easy to say that how I have managed to sashay past security checks is down to sheer luck or maybe even the million dollar effect of my YSL mascara but I nonetheless have some helpful tips for the would-be crasher.

  • Do a little homework.
    For Pete’s sake know the basics like the names of the families or the couple. It helps with security and the nosy randoms you meet. Trust me; the blonde moment trick doesn’t work. If you’re truly a relative but can’t "remember" their names then you shouldn’t be partying, you should get your head examined pronto!
  • If you must crash, dress the part.
    Remember when I said I wore the wedding colours? That’s always a fast track pass in but is sometimes an ambitious plan considering the circumstances. So, just dress how you want to be addressed. Don’t get there looking like the stripper from the stag night or that distant cousin no one wants to be associated with.

    People are extremely superficial especially at social gatherings so do make the effort to look like all the cool kids or at least flow with the wedding party. This improves chances of better seating, better service from waiters, access to V.I.P party favours... oh the possibilities...

  • Go with a friend
    I know you’re thinking that doubles the chance of getting caught but you’ll have someone to argue with about how you "lost/forgot" the invite if security personnel prove difficult and once you get in you can both laugh your heads off knowing there’s nothing like teamwork!
  • Blend in
    ...Till you’ve scanned your new environment anyway. The last thing you want to do is draw too much attention to yourself. Eating and drinking everything on sight, hustling for party favours like they are your birthright and trying to take over the party with your infamous Dita von Teese impersonation are a double no and raise red flags as characteristic "suspect" behaviour. Don’t let the movie fool you; just because you managed to get in doesn’t meant you can’t get thrown out!
  • Don’t go into character overdrive
    Obviously being a crasher is similar to playing a character but don’t get carried away, feeding everyone you meet with tales of how you’re an international (wo)man of mystery or an heir(ess) of some sort. A wedding is a great place to network so just avoid the truth tactfully. Less is more. For instance if you’re an unemployed party girl who still lives at home with your mum; you can simply say you’re in between jobs, soul searching or would simply rather not talk shop!

Finally boys and girls, crashing can be fun but don’t make it a profession. Yes Owen and Vince’s characters turned it into an art but darlings it’s not only fiction, it happened in America, the land of big dreams. Meaning, this is Naija and if you get caught, you’re on your own!

On the other hand, yours truly will continue to crash in style. After all, all that is needed is a flash of the "Sugar! Weddings Press Pass" as I say to myself, it’s purely research (but of course the mascara is always there for backup!)

By Moyo Aderemi

Written by Sugar Weddings